canvas

life is a canvas
and I had my paints
I painted strokes of black and white
but something about the painting wasn't right

so I started using colors green and blue
and I let you add red because I wanted to

but then my painting became too bright
and maybe wasn't placed in the right light
so I changed the place and I put in more grey
but at the edges the canvas has begun to fray

and my painting has no meaning
it follows no theme,
no colour scheme..
It doesn't represent me
nor does it represent you..

No, it isn't any form of art..
not does convey a message from the heart..

Life is a canvas
and I had my paints

I ruined it myself
I have nothing more to say..

sand

The cool waves wet the sand
The sand glistens
The harsh sun dries the sand
The sand glistens
People walk all over the sand
The sand glistens

They take sand and make it into glass
The glass still glistens...

but then again

Just once I wish
you'd look into my eyes when I talk to you
then again, I wish
that it weren't important that you do
Just once I wish
that you'd bother enough to care
then again, I wish
that it didn't affect me if you did or not
Just once I wish
That you meant lesser to me
but I also wish
That I meant more to you
Just once I wish
that you'd miss me
then again ,I wish
that I didn't miss you
Just once I wish
that you'd wrap me in your arms
but then again, I wish
that, that didn't make everything okay
Just once I wish
that you'd read this
but then again, I wish
that I'd never written it

I

I don't care
I don't know
I don't feel it
I won't show

I don't want
I don't need
I won't take it
I just bleed

I do see it
I do think
But I don't care
I still won't blink

truly mine

that perfect love is just an illusion
forever was just a few months time
the hand I held on to now pulled away
nothing here was ever truly mine

the faith I had now fails me
these thoughts, they just go through me
they neither stay, nor go away

Influenced and yet untouched
Moved and yet stagnant
Resolute and yet unsure
Knowing and yet undefined

Hesitant to move ahead
Afraid to stay behind
Unwilling to stay right here
Nothing here was ever truly mine

Dry on a rainy day

In this weather, in so much rain,
In so much wetness
How is it that you are still dry?
In this luscious greenery
how is it that you are still brown?
Aren't you mindful of the green around?
Don't you want to look like a part of the crowd?

The rain wets you
and yet you are the same
So unaffected, how do you stay?
So brown
So still
So dry
Why do you not stay with the wind?
Why do you not house birds like them?
Do you like being so different?
Do you like to be this way?
Or do you silently accept you fate?

Don't you strive to grown again?
To produce leaves, flowers and fruits?
Don't you want to leave behind something?
for the world to remember you by?

Is is too much to bother?
Have you trued and given up?
Or have you always known better?

Are you waiting for sunshine?
Does the rain comfort you?
Is it warmth you long for?
Or is it moisture to hide your tears?
Does the rain not quench your parched throat?
Does the sunshine not help you grow?

You get wet quicker than the others
and yet you dry up faster too
WHy this need for instant gratification?
Or is it just less painful anyway?

Choice

For you,
I could make up a thousand excuses

That you are busy, on the go
That you have other things to do

That you are just not that kind
And that I really don't mind

That you don't have the time
That you are no longer mine

I could think up of a thousand reasons

For your absence
For your indifference
For your insensitivity
Sometimes bordering on cruelty


But the truth is that
You aren't here
Because you choose not to

I could make up a thousand excuses
for you not being here

But right now
I choose not to

Around

Loneliness surrounds me
In loneliness I breathe


It is painted on my walls
and tiled on my floor
It flows from the taps
and it grows on the trees

It breeds around me
It is all I see
It is all I feel

It walks on the roads
and it flies in the skies

With every second on the clock
loneliness ticks on...

all girls

There are girls on the walls
And girls on the floor
Girls by the window and girls on the door
The place is teeming with girls everywhere
Some girls over her and more over there

Girls reading books,
girls in every corner
And girls in every nook

Perfumes, long hair, gossip, frivolous laughter
Fake smiles, air kisses, high shrieks
Handbags, slippers, rubber bands
Clutches, clips, bangles, bracelets
Pink, orange, purple, yellow

Girls all happy
Girls in tears
Girls over here
And girls over there
Girls in the canteen
Girls in the library
Girls are all I get to look at
Girls are all that look at me

Breasts bouncing, waists swaying, hair flicking
High levels of estrogen in the air

Being in a girl’s college makes me sick
Being in a girl’s college makes me the opposite of a feminist
Being in a girl’s college makes me want to kill myself

3 yrs later

3 years later
i jus spent 15 minutes
convincing the man at the door that you're dead
but where does he live - that twit asked
ha..i wish I knew I said

Where are you dad?
And how've you been?
What have you heard?
and what have you seen?

Do you often look down
and wonder what we're up to?
Do you get bored
and wish we were there too?

Do you think the choices I made are right?
Do you think I'll be okay?
Do you see me cry for you in the nights?

Its been three years now,
thirty won't make a difference
its still as hard, still as difficult
to get used to you not being here

Mom's a darling, she's always been
Stronger than anything I've ever seen
She misses you like crazy
You can see it in her eyes
And her smile hasn't been the same
since the day you left us by

We get by somehow,
its not like there is another option
The future scares us,
the present despairs us
We don't try and reason
And we don't ask any questions

Its been terrible without you
thats how it'll always be
Now and then look down here
And smile a smile for me...

yet somehow

I am living, I am breathing
and yet somehow I am not

This existence has no purpose
apart from the mundane ones

I am groping for something deeper
something more real
Anything substancial
and not superficial

I am yearning for truth
I am searching for answers

I am asking no questions
I am taking no chances

I am living because I breathe
I am breathing because I live

And yet somehow
I am doing neither

....

I am making new friends
I am leaving the old behind
I am listening to my heart
Yet following my mind

I am learning to move on
I am trying to stay still
I am not going anywhere
I don't know if I will

I am scared of being tired
I am tired of being scared
I realise I'm walking backwards
While trying to run ahead

I am not sure if I can lead
And I don't want to walk with you
If I don't want to follow either
What on earth am I supposed to do?

fashion

There was in a girl in class with curly hair
The long,luscious kind thats rare
The next day in class this girl was gone
She was now a straight haired clone

My friend is trying to become thin
so that she be the size thats in
Her curves are gone, her skin is pale
once a flower, she now looks stale

I look around at the world around me
Influenced by things so easily
Following so blindly what others say
or looking like them in a particular way

Trying so hard to be someone you are not
losing decency and dignity just to look 'hot'
think - In this race to do whats 'in',
aren't we losing the person within?

for love's sake only

If you do ever fall in love with me
Fall in love for love's sake only
Love me because you can't do anything but
Let the problem,cause and solution be love
love me like you breathe, naturally
love me because it feels right
Don't love me 'for' or 'beacuse' of something
Love me beacuse you love me

Don't love me bacause I sing sweetly
For this voice I may lose
Don't love me beacuse I'm pretty
For that chapter may close
Don't love me beacuse I'm independent
for one day I might depend on you
Don't love me because I know you
For one day I might forget that too
Don't love me because you can comfort me
For one day I may grow strong
Don't love me because i do whats is right
For one day I may go wrong
Don't love me because of the way I think
for I often lose my mind
Don't love me because we're similar
For I might take a diffreent path and not mind
Don't love me because I'm different
because there may be others my kind

Love me not for what I am but despite it
Love me not for what I have but whats left after it

Love me because you love me
And because of love only
Love me for love,my love
for that is the way I love you...

A pathetic attempt at saying goodbye

you'd think transfering thought into words should be easy (for me)
but when it comes to you, i just fail miserably
where am I supposed to start when I don't want it to end
do i hide my tears, put on a happy face and pretend?
what words can't describe and numbers can't quantify
what photos can't capture and treaties can't ratify
what singers can't sing and intruments can't play
is how this relationship has been the whole way


when I am with you
I have so much fun
when I am with you
I suddenly get pun
when I am with you
I learn new words
when I am with you
I go to new worlds
when I am with you
I get the funny side
when I am with you
my worries cast aside
when I am with you
I feel inspired
When I am with you
i never get tired
when I am with you
I see things clearly
when I am with you
I can be me

because
you read me heart,
heck you know it by heart
you hold my hand
I don't have to ask you to understand

you know when i need a shoulder to cry on
you know when to leave me alone
you know when I need a slap back to realty
you shower me with priase yet crtique me openly

the more I attempt to describe it, the harder it gets
my heart goes tight and my eyes go wet
I have nothing to say here that you don't already know
told everything there is to tell,shown everything there is to show

you know parts of me that i never will
you say so much by just keeping still

And now you are going away
and I have no clue what to say
it would be unfair to ask you to stay
for never would i want to be in the way

you've been a friend, you've been a mate
you've been a sister, you are my soulmate
To see you walking away is a sight I hate
but who are we to hold back the hands of fate

With all the material things you carry with you
you also take away moments of bliss
you seal them into one word and call them memories
little do you realize that you also take a part of me

so fare thee well my friend ,
have a glorious life ahead
go better the world with the ideas in your head
and heres is wishing you bliss both in and out of bed (lol)

Birds

This chapter ends here
I'm writing the last words
The cage is open finally
And there fly out the birds

Birds of burden
Birds of pain
Birds of doubt
Birds of vain
Birds of denial
Birds of hate
Birds of anger
Birds of trait
Birds of sadness
Birds of ache
Birds of indifference
Birds of mistake

They'd become so much a part
They'd nestled in my heart
But I'm letting them go
Into the infinite skies
I'm letting them go coz
Birds were born to fly

life's a stage

You are perfect in ways you’ll never know
I love you with every fiber of my being
And every breathe of my existence
It is irrational how much I feel for you
I know you’re never going to feel the same
And yet I continue to love you

All you want to be is friends
And you play that role perfectly well
You are there for me when I need
And listen to me patiently
You play your role really well
I have no complaints

I just wish you'd play a different role
or that this were a different "play"

decision making

the need to take a decision
is weighing me down
it sits heavy upon my head
refuses to get down
the choices are aplenty
so are the pros and cons
i understand each well
but can't narrow one down
this seems better than that
but then there is something else
trying to pick one is virtual hell

a diamond in the dust

I met a man yesterday
one unlike I've met before
he didn't look extaordinary
but he was an inspiration galore
a man who spoke from his heart
and got me to think
a man who held my attention rapt
woah..I didn't even blink
in this world so mundane
I met a soulful man
in this crazy game we play
I met a man who was still sane
A man without the usual airs
A ray of truth in this world of liars
a man who didn't let his brain rust
yes I met "a diamond in the dust"

verbs

numbed by reality
taunted by the truth
threatened by imperfections
cajolled by promises
stiffled by my conscience
aphyxiated by words
galvanized by emotions

existing because I do