a full year

a year full of being
real on stage
and fake off it

a year full of trying
to feel good for others
and not feel bad for myself

a year full of learning
that moments can mean so much
and months can mean so little

a year full of attempts
at being ' grown up'
and yet relating with children the most

a year full of battles
between the comfort of fitting in
and the struggles of standing out

a year full of joys
of being close to loved ones
and loving the close ones

a year full of
trying to move ahead
and crying to go behind


a year full

the temple

Footwear. Footsteps.
Loud bells .Rhythmic chants
Bare feet on the ground
Last night's rain.
Prayers. Banter.
Hands on hearts.

Fresh flowers - jasmine
Jasmine. White.
White. Jasmine.
A gift I can never give
Because you'll never take.

Sandalwood, kumkum, viboothi.
Kumkum. Red.
Red. Kumkum.
A gift I can never give
Because you'll never take

Viboothi. Grey. Ashes.
Ashes. Grey. Viboothi.
The only thing you'll accept
and smear on your forehead.
GREY WHERE RED USED TO BE.

I can make you smile
but I can't bear the tears
that come along

A place you love so much.
A place that gives you peace
Reminds me of everything
that once used to be

I don't want to go to the temple ma.

Dating? huh?

Dating?
Huh?
Have you considered dating? she asked me
I laughed at her incredulously
Of course I have.
Haven't we spoken about this before?
I think dating will change a lot of things for you.
Doesn't it for anyone?
But is the 'change' always the good kind?
Doesn't that depend on the person you date?

I am still waiting to find that person
Weren't you the one who said I should?
That these things have to happen on their own?

I am waiting for him to come
Waiting to spend time with him
Waiting to listen to music together
Or go to bookstores and discuss literature
Or just lie down on the beach
and stare at the stars
I'm waiting to go to the cinemas
sometimes even to watch movies
Or just anything else
as long as its with him

But then I got tired of waiting
So I'm just living my life right now
I'm not waiting anymore
If he comes along,
sure I'd like to date him

But
Don't you know all that?
Why would you still ask?

of

Fear
Of redundancy
Of immaturity
Of the desultory
Of stupidity
Of blatancy
Of over simplicity
Of dependency

Joy
of company
Of maternal love
Of the material
Of the physical
Of hope
Of a smile

Pain
Of finality
Of attachment
Of complexity
Of indifference

she is

she is searching
she is not sure where
she is not sure for what
but she is searching

she is living
she is not sure how
she is not sure where
but she is living

she is thinking
she is not sure about what
she is not sure if she should
but she is thinking

she is trying
she is not sure why
she is not sure how long
but she is trying

shades of grey..

I promised I'd be good
I said I'd never go astray
but back then I thought
that I'd always know my way

I promised to stay in line
I said I'd always pray
but back then I thought
I knew the night from day

I said I'd always be nice
and the truth I'd always say
but life was then a bed of roses
not just a game people play

I said I'd follow all the rules
and I tried to always obey
but back then you promised
that you'd never go away

I promised to be faithful
I said I'd never betray
But then it was all black and white
there were no shades of gray

is it?

When I am happy with what I am
Am I happily satiated ?
or just plain complacent?

When I love people despite being hated in return
Is my love unconditional?
or am I just being stupid?

When I am pretending to be happy
Is it better than being sad?
or am I just being fake?

When certain things don't bother me
Is that being mature
or am I being indifferent?

When sometimes I just don't care
Am I being strong
or is it just insensitivity?

When I pour my soul out in a poem
Is it being expressive?
Or am I wearing my heart on my sleeve?

all it takes

Sometimes
Happiness gives space for little else

One person makes the others bearable

One word makes the rest unimportant

One smile makes the tears worth it

One piece of truth fades the lies away

One hug makes pain less painful

One message makes my day

One flame banishes darkness

One you - makes me believe in good..

still there

It excites me
It invites me
It titillates me
It surprises me
It inspires me
It satisfies me
It frustrates me

It makes me happy and sad all at once
It takes me high and low and lets me bounce
in between them

It saddens me
It gladdens me
....
yes..
Poetry still writes me..

canvas

life is a canvas
and I had my paints
I painted strokes of black and white
but something about the painting wasn't right

so I started using colors green and blue
and I let you add red because I wanted to

but then my painting became too bright
and maybe wasn't placed in the right light
so I changed the place and I put in more grey
but at the edges the canvas has begun to fray

and my painting has no meaning
it follows no theme,
no colour scheme..
It doesn't represent me
nor does it represent you..

No, it isn't any form of art..
not does convey a message from the heart..

Life is a canvas
and I had my paints

I ruined it myself
I have nothing more to say..

sand

The cool waves wet the sand
The sand glistens
The harsh sun dries the sand
The sand glistens
People walk all over the sand
The sand glistens

They take sand and make it into glass
The glass still glistens...

but then again

Just once I wish
you'd look into my eyes when I talk to you
then again, I wish
that it weren't important that you do
Just once I wish
that you'd bother enough to care
then again, I wish
that it didn't affect me if you did or not
Just once I wish
That you meant lesser to me
but I also wish
That I meant more to you
Just once I wish
that you'd miss me
then again ,I wish
that I didn't miss you
Just once I wish
that you'd wrap me in your arms
but then again, I wish
that, that didn't make everything okay
Just once I wish
that you'd read this
but then again, I wish
that I'd never written it

I

I don't care
I don't know
I don't feel it
I won't show

I don't want
I don't need
I won't take it
I just bleed

I do see it
I do think
But I don't care
I still won't blink

truly mine

that perfect love is just an illusion
forever was just a few months time
the hand I held on to now pulled away
nothing here was ever truly mine

the faith I had now fails me
these thoughts, they just go through me
they neither stay, nor go away

Influenced and yet untouched
Moved and yet stagnant
Resolute and yet unsure
Knowing and yet undefined

Hesitant to move ahead
Afraid to stay behind
Unwilling to stay right here
Nothing here was ever truly mine

Dry on a rainy day

In this weather, in so much rain,
In so much wetness
How is it that you are still dry?
In this luscious greenery
how is it that you are still brown?
Aren't you mindful of the green around?
Don't you want to look like a part of the crowd?

The rain wets you
and yet you are the same
So unaffected, how do you stay?
So brown
So still
So dry
Why do you not stay with the wind?
Why do you not house birds like them?
Do you like being so different?
Do you like to be this way?
Or do you silently accept you fate?

Don't you strive to grown again?
To produce leaves, flowers and fruits?
Don't you want to leave behind something?
for the world to remember you by?

Is is too much to bother?
Have you trued and given up?
Or have you always known better?

Are you waiting for sunshine?
Does the rain comfort you?
Is it warmth you long for?
Or is it moisture to hide your tears?
Does the rain not quench your parched throat?
Does the sunshine not help you grow?

You get wet quicker than the others
and yet you dry up faster too
WHy this need for instant gratification?
Or is it just less painful anyway?

Choice

For you,
I could make up a thousand excuses

That you are busy, on the go
That you have other things to do

That you are just not that kind
And that I really don't mind

That you don't have the time
That you are no longer mine

I could think up of a thousand reasons

For your absence
For your indifference
For your insensitivity
Sometimes bordering on cruelty


But the truth is that
You aren't here
Because you choose not to

I could make up a thousand excuses
for you not being here

But right now
I choose not to