Teaching , learning and everything in between

I have been teaching

I have been learning to teach

Learning that teaching is the best thing you can do

Learning that is it the worst

Learning that nothing can really be taught

And yet everything needs to be learnt

Learning that the seeds I plant

will on day be a tree

learning that things I choose to teach

are the things that make me really me 

Learning that teaching is more heart

and not so much the mind

And what you teach will not matter

Until you teach them to be kind

Learning that questioning everything 

is the most important thing that you'll teach

And you are not really a teacher at all

If you don't practice what you preach

sometimes and mostly

Sometimes I want to dance
just with myself
but mostly I want to dance with you

Sometimes I want to sing
just to you
but mostly I want to sing to myself

Sometimes I want to write
just to the world
but mostly I want to just write

Sometimes I want to care some more
more mostly I want to just care

Sometimes I feel I have truly lost it all
but mostly I know I haven't really found it yet

broken

if being overweight is a flaw
I'm disfigured love
if not following your morals is flaw
I'm defective love
if not wearing the right clothes is a flaw
i am stained love
If taking the road less travelled is flaw
I am a failure love
I not sticking to stereotypes is flaw
I am  mutilated love
If not sticking to what the world tells
and not following the herd  are flaws
I am damaged love
I am broken

song

complete darkness
FADE IN
lights slowly brighten
the colour is blue
a girl walks in

the chime of her anklets
the tinkle of her bangles
the ruffle of her wraps
she sits down
the play continues
she plays her part
nervous in the beginning
unsure of her character
she looks out into the crowd
but the lights blind her
she knows she is well lit
but yet she can see no one
there is a strange comfort
she seems happier now
her face in painted calm
she begins a tune
familiar yet hauntingly so
like a dream you don;t dare to dream
like words you think but don;t speak
like the beats you sway to only alone
like lullaby sung with song to mourn

she has lost herself
and the crowd has found
a bit of them in her

she stops singing
they begin to applaud
she can see them now
yet she sees none
she walks away
she liked it better
when it was dark

FADE OUT

nobody remembers that long ago

She used to wear glasses and plait up her long hair
She used to find herself by getting lost in books
She used to dress in shades of modesty
She used to converse in tones of confidence
She treated men with looks of defiance
She treated herself with a touch of kindness
And the world with oodles of curiosity
She used to laugh without a care in the world
And cry almost the same way
She used to walk with strides of pride
She didn't care about what you thought about her
Yet cared enough not to hurt you
She was ambitious and thrived on knowledge

I miss her
Come back..

there is a reason your name means trust

you are still my sunshine
you still fill the dark corners of my life
somehow with your undying optimism
you manage to infiltrate the thicket of indifference
somehow you manage to make me smile
somehow you make me feel alive
you pull me back down to earth
and raise me so that I can feel again
Somehow this world never pulls you down
in its emptiness how do you never drown
There is so much i want to learn from you
you walk through storms like its just breeze
you are like my self help book minus the rubbish
you are like a sermon minus the preaching
you are like me minus the negativity
there is not one day that i regret letting you go
because somewhere along the way I found you
somewhere around the way I found myself
I finally see the things in me
that you said you could see
Finally I see the world the way
you said it would be

remnants..

Vague traces remain

 Like dregs in a coffee mug

 Or ashes of a burnt fire

 Like ink washed off paper

an old faded photograph

 scars thats won't fade away

a rusted old vehicle 


an old forgotten memory


the longing for lost comfort

 the last notes of a song

lessons learnt

no one teaches you
to lose a friend to another friend
to lose a friend to another world
to lose yourself for a friend
to find yourself in a friend
to find a friend in yourself

to stumble, crash and fall in love
to wake up and walk out of love
to struggle and stay in love
to stay and struggle in love
to define what exactly is love

some lessons are just learnt
never taught

realize

After a while you realize .
that you are never quite sure about what you are wishing for till it comes true.
that there is always another person involved .
that you have no right to play with their feelings just to figure out yours.
that there is only a subtle difference between friendship and love.
that sometimes you don't even know that difference.
that truth does hurt, but it also saves a lot of pain.
that you are a different person with different people.
that you never quite know till your try.
that you don't really know everything you thought you knew.
that sometimes you just need to breathe.
that doing nothing is better than doing anything at all.
that your definition and perception of love is messed up - by all the books, movies and people around.
that in the end you just have to create your own definition. t
hat being with someone can make you realize you don't need to be with anyone.
that your mom really is your best friend. period.

P. Ramachandran (late)

You weren't late Appa

I was

I never told you
that I love you
that I always will

thats all

let me

let me slip away
into the shroud of my mother's sari
let me be inebriated
by the breath of an old book
let me melt away
into the meaning of music
let me be conquered
by the chuckle of a child
let me wrap myself
with the warmth of words
let me stray
into the streams of sunlight

to my long lost beloved

I am getting back to you dear
To your comfortable scents
To the familiarity of your dispositions
To letting you take me to unexplored worlds
To meeting new people through you
To the company of traveling with you
To the assurance of always having you around
To feeling your emotions like my own
To our inside jokes and tears wept
To having a cup of coffee with you
To enjoying a rainy day curled up next to you
To the joy of unravelling your every part
To the taste of savoring every bit of you
To the suspense of your twists and turns
To the habit of reading in between your lines
To going to bed with you and waking up with you
To staying in bed with you all day
To not being able to put you down
To letting go of the world when your are around

I am getting back to you
my darling books..

this and that

my vacuum cleaner needs dusting
my teacher needs to be taught

someone tell my watch the time
someone tell my poetry whats rhyme

my torch needs some light
my eraser has too many marks

someone teach my phone to make calls
someone teach the builder to build walls

my glasses cannot be found
my camera needs some perspective

someone teach my friends to be friendly
someone teach my teddy bear to be cuddly

away

I've been away for a while now

I've been thinking about not thinking
and feeling about not feeling
I have been getting attached
over not getting attached
I have been writing about
not writing anything at all
And talking about
not having anything to talk about
I have been loving
for the fear of never feeling love
And fearing love
for the love of never fearing again
I have been alone
for the fear of getting lonely
I have been reading
about not being able to read anymore
And I have been singing
about losing my voice
I have been listening to music
for the fear of losing my soul
I have been dancing
because I have never really danced before

I've been away for a while
and whining about needing a vacation

fear

the music is still in mute
as the pictures play on mindlessly
The eyes are still closed
as the painter goes on frantically
the body is still stagnant
as the soul searches aimlessly
my arms are still bound
as you reach for me earnestly

I am scared of music
I am afraid it will be too loud
or that I might not be able to hear at all
I don't look at paintings
their meaning I might not comprehend
Or that I might comprehend too much

a full year

a year full of being
real on stage
and fake off it

a year full of trying
to feel good for others
and not feel bad for myself

a year full of learning
that moments can mean so much
and months can mean so little

a year full of attempts
at being ' grown up'
and yet relating with children the most

a year full of battles
between the comfort of fitting in
and the struggles of standing out

a year full of joys
of being close to loved ones
and loving the close ones

a year full of
trying to move ahead
and crying to go behind


a year full

the temple

Footwear. Footsteps.
Loud bells .Rhythmic chants
Bare feet on the ground
Last night's rain.
Prayers. Banter.
Hands on hearts.

Fresh flowers - jasmine
Jasmine. White.
White. Jasmine.
A gift I can never give
Because you'll never take.

Sandalwood, kumkum, viboothi.
Kumkum. Red.
Red. Kumkum.
A gift I can never give
Because you'll never take

Viboothi. Grey. Ashes.
Ashes. Grey. Viboothi.
The only thing you'll accept
and smear on your forehead.
GREY WHERE RED USED TO BE.

I can make you smile
but I can't bear the tears
that come along

A place you love so much.
A place that gives you peace
Reminds me of everything
that once used to be

I don't want to go to the temple ma.

Dating? huh?

Dating?
Huh?
Have you considered dating? she asked me
I laughed at her incredulously
Of course I have.
Haven't we spoken about this before?
I think dating will change a lot of things for you.
Doesn't it for anyone?
But is the 'change' always the good kind?
Doesn't that depend on the person you date?

I am still waiting to find that person
Weren't you the one who said I should?
That these things have to happen on their own?

I am waiting for him to come
Waiting to spend time with him
Waiting to listen to music together
Or go to bookstores and discuss literature
Or just lie down on the beach
and stare at the stars
I'm waiting to go to the cinemas
sometimes even to watch movies
Or just anything else
as long as its with him

But then I got tired of waiting
So I'm just living my life right now
I'm not waiting anymore
If he comes along,
sure I'd like to date him

But
Don't you know all that?
Why would you still ask?

of

Fear
Of redundancy
Of immaturity
Of the desultory
Of stupidity
Of blatancy
Of over simplicity
Of dependency

Joy
of company
Of maternal love
Of the material
Of the physical
Of hope
Of a smile

Pain
Of finality
Of attachment
Of complexity
Of indifference

she is

she is searching
she is not sure where
she is not sure for what
but she is searching

she is living
she is not sure how
she is not sure where
but she is living

she is thinking
she is not sure about what
she is not sure if she should
but she is thinking

she is trying
she is not sure why
she is not sure how long
but she is trying